Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
