Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
