Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
