he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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