Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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