1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
this boner is exhausting
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
