Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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