Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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