how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
