People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
