Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
