I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
