God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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