Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
