Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
