You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
