If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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