I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
