Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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