You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
