good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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