If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
