Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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