My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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