I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
