i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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