You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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