Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
