i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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