i was born a porn star she said
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
