her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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