I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
