Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
