wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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