i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She's allergic to latex.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I can't turn off my feet"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants