Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
