just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
