She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
