Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
