youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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