Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
