I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
