just come out here and I will go home with you...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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