We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Your dad touched me again.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
