I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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