If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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