His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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