you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
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