you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The air was thick with penises
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
