Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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