Heybabeimwearingurpanties
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
