Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
