Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
