Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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