Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
