I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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