They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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